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May 2005
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94,900,000 Americans Who Smoked Pot Fail to Commit Suicide

Washington: A new report issued today by the Bureau of Government Statistics came out with the startling news that close to 95 million American pot smokers had not yet committed suicide despite the so-called Scaggs evidence. This large group of Americans includes both heavy users and those who just used it at some point in their past.
16-year-old Alyse Caton tearfully confided on local talk radio show “Breakfast with Les and Bess”: “My parents caught me smoking pot almost a year ago. I know I’m supposed to kill myself, but I just don’t feel like it.” Her parents say they are concerned, but support their daughter.
We caught up with 103-year-old lifetime marijuana smoker Ida Mae Johnson organizing a pot-luck supper at church. “Don’t look at me,” she snapped. “I’ve been busy.”
Bruce Birken, from the radical pro-drug group Marijuana Policy Alliance suggested “Maybe we should look at other factors besides marijuana?”
This brought an angry response from Jennifer L. Unbalanced, of the ONDCP: “These 95 million Americans are in denial, pure and simple, and to suggest otherwise tarnishes the memory of all those who will soon be gone.”
The Bureau of Government Statistics report also noted that this problem could affect the future of Social Security, with warnings that the lack of suicides would likely bankrupt the system sometime between the year 2685 and next Tuesday.

[satire]

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