SNL takes on the Michael Phelps story:
Update: For those out of the country who can’t get the video, here’s a transcript. It loses something without Seth Meyers’ delivery, but just imagine his intensely earnest sarcasm.
On Thursday, Kelloggs announced it was dropping its Frosted Flakes endorsement with Michael Phelps saying his marijuana use is not consistent with the company’s image, which brings me to a segment I like to call “Really?!? with Seth.”
Really, Kelloggs? Marijuana is not consistent with your image? Because I thought it was totally consistent. You know every one of your mascots is a wild-eyed cartoon character with uncontrollable munchies. I mean, really. Toucan Sam; a frog named Diggum; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I knew some guys named Snap, Crackle and Pop, and they were drug dealers.
And you also have the Keebler Elves. A bunch of guys who live together in a treehouse and do nothing all day but think of new things to put cheese on. I mean Really! They’re stoners.
And also, I checked out your website. Did you know that you have a recipe for dessert nachos? And that you make cookie straws to drink the leftover milk out of the waffle cereal you also make?
Every one of your products sounds like a wish a genie granted at a Phish concert. I mean Really!
And U.S.A. Swimming. Really?!? You suspended Phelps for 3 months? Really, U.S.A. Swimming? Way to sacrifice! Now he won’t be able to compete with you in the highly anticipated not-the-Olympics swimming race.
And really, if you want someone to stop smoking weed, don’t give them three months off. That’s what you do if you want someone to finish Call of Duty. I mean really!
Oh, and parents — if your kid says “Michael Phelps smokes pot, why can’t I?” just say “You can. Right after you win 12 gold medals for your country.” Really.
And really, and this is the most important thing. Really. If you’re at a party and you see Michael Phelps smoking a bong and your first thought isn’t “Wow, I get to party with Michael Phelps” and instead you take a picture and sell it to a tabloid, you should take a long look in the mirror because you’re a dick! I mean, Really!