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If I Were Contrarian King of America

A picture named contrarian.jpg
It’s a nice day. And we need to avoid getting too wrapped up in the constant stress of fighting against prohibition (yes, I’m looking at you, darkcycle) or we’ll burn out. So I’ve recycled one of my old musings. I think it’s still enjoyable today. See what you have to add….

I have occasionally imagined how I would realistically change drug policy if I was President, or had some other poliitical power, and perhaps some day I’ll share that with you. However, today I decided to be different and imagined I was some kind of arbitrary King and decided to retaliate by being contrarian.

bullet image DEA agents who investigate doctors for prescribing pain medication must have other DEA agents perform any medical procedures (like heart transplants and brain surgery) that are needed by the agents. After all, if DEA agents know so much about medicine…

bullet image Putting a positive choice spin on drug testing, only those students not participating in extra-curricular activities can be drug tested, and only if there are extra-curricular options available and they still choose not to participate. In a related area, felons on parole can avoid drug tests by getting involved in community service volunteer projects. (actually, this one makes a little sense)

bullet image Law enforcement officers who are part of no-knock drug task forces must publicly list their names and addresses. Ordinary citizens are allowed to wander through their home between the hours of 11 pm and 4 am and look through their drawers.

bullet image Officers wishing to search a car for drugs must get a search warrant from a judge specifying the make, year, color and VIN, along with specific descriptions of the particular drugs they expect to find.

bullet image Law enforcement agencies wishing to keep proceeds from Asset Forfeitures must put up as bond an amount equal to the value of the assets seized. If a judge rules for the property owner, the property owner gets his assets back plus the bond, making a nice profit for his trouble.

bullet image School Principals who enforce zero-tolerance policies must get written permission from one of their students before taking an aspirin or any other medication (any time of day or night).

bullet image Any laws passed that have criminal penalties are automatically infinitely retroactive for those who voted for (or signed) the law. This means, for example, that any Congressmen who vote for enhanced drug possession penalties would be immediately liable under that law for any drugs they took when they were young.

bullet image The Drug Czar must wear a silly hat and a sign saying “I am a liar” whenever he goes out in public, and whenever he talks about drug statistics he must perform a leprechaun dance.

bullet image All DEA paperwork must be printed on hemp paper.

bullet image Inmates in federal prisons construct bongs and waterpipes, and these are sold through an online store run by the Justice Department, and administered by Tommy Chong.

bullet image Smugglers who are caught are sent back to their home country with their drugs and told to try again.

bullet image All law enforcement uniforms are made with material that smells just like marijuana to drug-sniffing dogs.

When I wrote this, Walters was the drug czar, but I think the “silly hat and leprechaun dance” mental image works even better with Kerlikowske.

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26 comments to If I Were Contrarian King of America

  • firestarter

    Bunch of illiterate people who don’t understand how the law works or the system it works in.

    These are my predictions: You will not get what you want out of this law. You will get everything you don’t want.

    1. You will end up with police and ex-spouses interpreting the law as they see fit, and using prop 19 against you and children will be taken from families and those families will have to fight it out in court for years.
    2. You will end up paying obnoxious permit fees in every city that allows it for your stupid 5×5 space. Hope you got $10-15k lying around so you can grow.
    3. You will end up getting a permit that says the cops or any other law enforcement can come into your home or or backyard to count your plants and make sure you are in compliance with the 5×5 space.
    4. You will end up with neighbors narcing on you because you are outside your 5×5 space even if you aren’t.
    5. You will not be able to amend Prop 19 unless there is another voter referendum because this was voted in by the people. The legislature cannot amend it.
    6. The other states will follow and you will have screwed it up for everyone.
    7. You will wish you hadn’t voted Yes.

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  • Buc

    How about this one:

    Law enforcement has to take responsibility for all no-knock raid shootings that involve innocents.

    Hahaha, good one and just as unlikely as the ones you have, Pete.

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  • claygooding

    All DEA,NIDA,ONDCP and Justice Dept appointees and employees must hair burn every 6 months,,,,,alllll

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  • claygooding

    @ firestarter:

    (a) Amendments to the limitations in section 11300, which limitations are minimum thresholds and the Legislature may adopt less restrictive limitations.

    And you shouldn’t have pissed your ex-spouse off so bad that she would try to ruin your life now.

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  • item 4 of 20

    Don’t be so down firestarter laws and government are the keys to a golden human utopia.

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  • Windy

    clay, firestarter could be a woman, tho that would not invalidate your comment, just alter the “she” to “he”.

    Pete I love the first point; 2nd one, not so much. #s 3, 4, & 5 are all excellent; I would extend #6 to include ALL school employees, and the school board, too. #7 is excellent! On 8, I prefer a tattoo on the czar’s forehead over a sign, said tattoo to be done the day the czar takes the oath of office, but would forgo the dance (just too bizarre to watch). #s 9 and 11 are good ones, too. #s 10 and 12 are kinda silly, but funny, nevertheless.

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  • claygooding

    oops,,,or shim,,,,just in case.

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  • ezrydn

    firestarter,

    Do the letters F O mean anything to you? Yes, we’ll take all the bad with the good. However, the likes of people like you won’t sway us. We’ve worked too long to have some snivelin’ idiot change our course. Why don’t you go back to the barn and be comfortable in the idea that you can say “I told ya so?” Your argument about the 5X5 is based on the rumblings of ONE county. Get over it!

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  • Cannabis

    I feel like posting recipes instead of feeding the troll. Instead, please go read this YES on Prop 19 – An open letter from J. David Nick.

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  • thelburt

    firestarter gives himself away when he uses the phrase “you people”. This is a man used to giving orders, but he ignores the dictum that one who gives orders must first learn to obey them. If he didn’t, he would know there is no legal basis for the government to regulate the contents of the bloodstream of the entire population, unless it would promote the general welfare. the general welfare isn’t popular with people who think in terms of “you people”. Even if this measure fails I will continue to exercise my rights under the constitution, as any reasonable man would. I believe you have to take your rights and freedom rather than wait for the authorities to grant them.

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  • darkcycle

    What, me worry?

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  • Just me.

    constitution, as any reasonable man would. I believe you have to take your rights and freedom rather than wait for the authorities to grant them.

    Yep we do that everytime we light a joint. I have a right to decide.Its called free will.Something government cant grant or take away.

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  • claygooding

    LET’S MAKE MARIJUANA BORING

    A great article by our favorite Judge!

    http://www.mapinc.org/alert/0458.html

    I have enjoyed watching and reading any of James Gray’s debates or articles. I wish he had been at the Ways and Means budget hearing last spring.

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  • Chris

    Firestarter, You’re an illiterate person who can’t read the text of this law. Luckily, other people have for you. Here’s some links that you probably opened, scoffed at, then closed;
    http://sanjosecannabis.org/2010/09/11/open-letter-from-j-david-nick-re-yes-on-prop-19/
    http://stash.norml.org/californias-prop-19-a-word-for-word-analysis

    READ IT. None of your points stand. None.

    1. You will end up with police and ex-spouses interpreting the law as they see fit, and using prop 19 against you and children will be taken from families and those families will have to fight it out in court for years.
    Unfortunately, that doesn’t sound like anything that isn’t already possible. People smoking recreationally NOW would have the same thing happen to them. Does not affect medical users.

    2. You will end up paying obnoxious permit fees in every city that allows it for your stupid 5×5 space. Hope you got $10-15k lying around so you can grow.
    (a) Notwithstanding any other provision of law, it is lawful and shall not be a public offense under California law for any person 21 years of age or older to:
    (3) Possess on the premises where grown the living and harvested plants and results of any harvest and processing of plants lawfully cultivated pursuant to paragraph (2), for personal consumption.

    If passed, it will always be legal everywhere to grow in your own home for personal use. The tax and regulate part of this proposition only applies to commercial manufacture and sales. This is like homebrewing beer. Here in michigan, no city has been stupid enough to even try outlawing medical marijuana to my knowledge, because it is an expressed legal right in the law. Growing would be an expressed legal right in this law and would not require any of this bullshit that you keep making up. And a 5×5 space is much better than the 0×0 space that recreational users can currently legally enjoy.
    Does not affect medical grows.

    3. You will end up getting a permit that says the cops or any other law enforcement can come into your home or or backyard to count your plants and make sure you are in compliance with the 5×5 space.
    So prop 19 overrides the 4th amendment? If anything, it removes probable cause to search your house. Illegal recreational growers would be going from worring about so much (garbage contents, smell, electricity usage, buying grow equipment, keeping it out of sight, telling ANYONE), to worring about so little (the size of their garden). How are they going to find out?
    Does not affect medical grows.

    4. You will end up with neighbors narcing on you because you are outside your 5×5 space even if you aren’t.
    Oh, that’s how. Except they can do this now, except the 5×5 space is a 0×0 space. Meaning if they see a single plant they can narc on you. How often does that happen? Are you seriously arguing that making recreational grows legal will make it hard to tell the difference between recreational grows and medicinal grows? Because that’s the same argument law enforcement uses against medical marijuana.
    Does not affect medical grows.

    5. You will not be able to amend Prop 19 unless there is another voter referendum because this was voted in by the people. The legislature cannot amend it.
    Funny, I remember hearing about this “SB420″ thing that did exactly that to prop 215.
    Pursuant to subdivision (c) of Section 10 of Article II of the California Constitution, this act may be amended either by a subsequent measure submitted to a vote of the people at a statewide election; or by statute validly passed by the Legislature and signed by the Governor, but only to further the purposes of the act.
    Read the text, this is from the first fucking page. You bitterly hate how this is written, yet it’s obvious you haven’t read it beyond excerpts. That’s enough to nullify any merit to your opinion.

    6. The other states will follow and you will have screwed it up for everyone.
    7. You will wish you hadn’t voted Yes.
    Each state is trying something different. All I care about is you putting this petty bullshit aside and voting yes so the rest of the country can get on with ending prohibition a little bit faster.

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  • kaptinemo

    As recent media articles on the issue make very clear, it would appear that the only real objection on the part of those presently reaping such huge profits from MMJ sales in California…is that they won’t be, after the law passes.

    Hardly ‘enlightened self-interest’. But certainly understandable. Capone and Company didn’t want alcohol Prohibition to end, either, for the same reasons.

    As the old saying goes, “You are known by the company you keep.” If said company includes the very prohib fascists who ruin people’s lives on a daily basis, what does that make you? For, in the same vein, there’s another old saying: “Lie down with dogs; get up with fleas.”

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  • ezrydn

    Here’s one you can add to your list, Pete.

    “All law enforcement officers will attend a manditory “rehab” for 2 months after every 10 months served.”

    This way, they get their heads rethreaded so they fit properly.

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  • undrgrndgirl

    firestarter…i have to agree with you…and the naivete of folks like chris is (hopefully) indicative of his young age and not of willful ignorance…i know that my abusive, alcoholic ex-spouse would have been happy to have had a “she’s using pot where kids are present” rule to have thrown my way when we were in court battling over custody and child support…the only way i wouldn’t have pissed him off would have been to stay and allow him to beat and berate me and his children…and my story is incredibly common…yes, i know technically using ANYWHERE is illegal, but the “not in space where children are present” is a ridiculous stipulation and one not placed on alcohol or pharmaceuticals…

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  • undrgrndgirl

    @thelburt…fire starter NEVER used the phrase “you people”…

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  • @undrgrndgirl:

    you people

    you people

    you people

    And yes, undrgrndgirl, that’s one part of the law I will work to get changed, but that’s not enough reason to keep marijuana illegal.

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  • Maria

    From experience anyone that uses the phrase “you people” without a hint of self awareness or irony, as part of passive aggressive insults, and as a way to convince others that only they hold the truth deserves all the derision they get.

    There is no ONE perfect law. Not for anything! How in the world can the Utopians think cannabis is any different? And how can they be so shrill without obviously having read the proposition or the numerous legal opinions regarding its practical implementation?

    Look if you love the whole illegal dealer lifestyle so much then this law certainly won’t take that career choice away from you. For the rest of us. Let us fucking grow and smoke already.

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  • BruceM

    If you were the king of america you wouldn’t just legalize all drugs and disband the DEA? Giving all of them pink slips and taking away their shiny little badges and guns would be almost as rewarding as ending such a huge policy failure.

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  • If I were King, sure, BruceM. But this is if I was Contrarian King.

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  • firestarter

    Chris did prove me right. He doesn’t understand the proposition in question…he doesn’t understand the body of law it sits in or crosses over. This is like yelling at the cloud. This guy takes excerpts from things without completion and tries to prove his point. As I said, you weed brains don’t know what’s up and what you are in for. Go ahead. Make Richard Lee rich. He doesn’t care about you. If he did he wouldn’t have added criminal penalties in a law that is supposedly created to protect you. Oh and by the way…normal and TaxandRegulatecannabis both have the abridged versions of these propositions. Go look for the one with the criminal penalties included. I love seeing all your analysis of what I say. You’ve wonderfully proven my point. I will be back to this board to laugh my ass off when 19 passes and all you are sitting here sniveling.

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  • sadeeshkumara

    ssa

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  • Chris

    Firestarter, saying “I’m right” then proceeding to post a bunch of unrelated scary bullshit is hardly what I’d consider an argument. You keep going back to how this will add new penalties that are currently illegal for recreational users anyway. No one on this board is going to be sniveling at the passage of prop 19, so go cry elsewhere.

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