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July 2010
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Won't somebody think of the children?

We need immediate action here regarding a serious danger to our nation’s highways.

Pork Rinds.

Truck driver chokes on pork rinds, ends in ditch

The driver of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig lost control of his truck on Interstate 5 after choking on some spicy pork rinds, jackknifed and came to a stop in a muddy ditch, says a Washington State Patrol trooper. […]

The trooper says the truck didn’t hit any vehicles. Leary says the driver will be cited for driving with wheels off the roadway.

Clearly, this is something that needs to be addressed by the legislature immediately. We need “per se” laws against the possession (including internal possession) of pork rinds, and possibly all other spicy snack foods.

Sure, this time nobody was hurt, but what if there were a dozen children crushed under that jackknifed truck? And all you could charge the driver with was “driving with wheels off the roadway”?

We’ve got to be able to bring the full force of the law against those who eat pork rinds and drive. It isn’t always easy to tell when a driver is under the influence of a pork rind until it’s too late and hundreds of children have been smeared across the highway. We need the law to allow for searches of vehicles for empty pork rind packages, and the authority to pump the stomachs of drivers for evidence of formerly crispy pork fat.

It’s for the children.

[Thanks to reader rhp6033 at HorsesAss]

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23 comments to Won’t somebody think of the children?

  • claygooding

    Maybe we could just make buying a soft drink with your pork rinds mandatory,surely you won’t take my pork rinds or hot fries away from me.

  • kant

    why stop at pork rinds? Eating while driving is a huge source of distraction. And distracted drivers account for 1000% of car accidents. Clearly we need to ensure no driver eats while driving. Since we can’t tell if they ate at a restaurant or while driving we’ll assume any food in their stomach was eaten while driving, just to be safe. I propose check points to pump stomachs and mandatory monitors in cars to check stomach contents. if such checks find food, or drink, then the car will be completely disabled. This is especially important when going at highway speeds.

  • claygooding

    Since most auto accidents happen within 2 miles of peoples home,we can ban driving within 2 miles of your house and reduce auto accidents by 80% or more. Plus address the overweight problems many Americans suffer from.
    It’s a win,win situation.
    Excuse me while I hide from the oil company hitmen for having this idea.

  • Jared

    There are now government-funded studies directly linking pork rind abuse to a previous relationship with bacon. We here at P.I.G. (Protection from Interstate Gustation) call this the “ate-way theory”, in which children who are exposed to pork products are invariably and inevitably drawn to hardened abuse of further animal products, including but not limited to: eggs, cheeseburgers, Slim Jims, beef jerky, roasted turkey, chicken, and ultimately, chocolate-covered bacon. We here at P.I.G. find it in the country’s best interest to allocate a generous monetary sum (roughly a third of the gross national education budget) to battle this harmful blight on our God-loving country.

  • mikekinseattle

    I hope they are sending the truck driver to pork rind counseling sessions. He clearly is abusing them.

  • Cannabis

    Well, you can’t ban eating while driving unless you ban cup holders, too. When I was a child we didn’t have problems like this and we didn’t have cup holders either. Heck, even riding lawn mowers have cup holders on them now. So, there you have it, in the eyes of many cup holders are just the same as drug paraphernalia. Since there is a federal law against drug paraphernalia, cup holders should be banned, too. We should make sure that this policy is in the next National Drug Control Strategy. Ban cup holders in 2011.

  • Finally, someone agrees with me. I’ve been saying pork rinds should be outlawed for years now. It’s about time this devil’s snack has been brought to the public’s attention. Pork rinds are highly addictive, have no medical value, and are a gateway to even more dangerous snacks. Prohibition is the only way we can protect people from their own bad eating habits and send the right message to our children. Kudos to you, Mr. Guither! We need more people like you (and the government) looking out for us.

  • ban everything

    The only solution is to ban everything.

  • Duncan

    From my perspective it’s very annoying when people tell me that the children of strangers need to be protected so I, an adult who has no children or interest in them, can’t do stuff that I really want to do.

    When I was growing up my parents made it very clear to me that certain things are for adults only. As a result I spent my childhood not getting to do what I like because it’s for adults. Now that I’ve come of age I can’t do stuff I like because of the children.

  • Maria

    Yes. Ban everything! And make everything evidence.

    My favorite article ever:
    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/woman_crashes_car_while_shaving_yaK4mwcjeIHGsgLlz5jt9K

    I know, a single instance of shaving isn’t statistically meaningful but all the instances of people doing something distracting while driving? I’m sure it would add up right quick.

  • sadly enough the stage is well prepared for the outright banning of pork rinds — all part of the new glorious health plan already in process.

    zero tolerance is an ugly thing.

  • Cliff

    What about our own human frailties and the unanticipated siezures or the sleep deprived driver?

    Here in NOCO (Norhtern Colorado) a 29 year old driver had a siezure and plowed into a Visionworks store in Greeley. He killed a 32 year old mother, thankfully she was able to push her 9 year old son out of the way as the truck burst through the window of the store. The truck also ran over, and killed, a 23 year old employee and university student. The truck tires were still smoking because the accelerator pedal was pushed to the floor. There was no attempt to stop and the driver appeared to be unconscious.

    /You can go to the Denver Post for the story, I’m reading from the paper version.

    So there you go. Natural human fallacies and health problems are the most dangerous problems we face on our highways. We are all busted for being human.

  • Maria

    Busted for being human. Just you wait darling, soon enough.

    Gods, lately I’m getting more and more disturbed by how often I’ve been reminded of a short story, “The Happy Breed” by John Sladek.

  • Duncan

    How about if we swear in half the population, and then handcuff them to a civilian. No one will ever again be able to commit a crime since there would always be a police officer present to nip it in the bud. Sheesh, how hard is that?

  • moose

    Fried pork fat with attached skin. (The side of a pork rinds bag.) We must save the children since their parents are worthless. Don’t give up, we are just one more law or regulation away from a utopia!

  • jewel

    “How about if we swear in half the population, and then handcuff them to a civilian. No one will ever again be able to commit a crime since there would always be a police officer present to nip it in the bud.”

    OUCH! I don’t think the criminals would last too long….but then…what would we do with all the pork rinds???

  • steve

    Check this out Pete, just in time…..

    Troy approves distracted driving ordinance

  • steve

    whoops, didnt work

    Link

  • Do you seriouslly think this is funny? How dare you make a mockery of those who wish to keep users of drugs off the streets.we have studys that show that 80% of auto accidents are caused by drugged drivers under the influence of marijuana.Me and my Associates, are trying to make the roads safer for real citiztins who actully contribute to socity as a whole.You drug offenders are of no use to socity.How dare you mock me.I refuse to allow a bunch of criminal low life scum like you get in the way of road safety laws we’re trying to have passed.Sorry for my grammer being sightly immpaired,I’ve had about 3 bloody marys and a shot of everclear.You know a LEGAL substance!! marijuana is a gateway drug, it leads to harder drugs like cociane and heroin.and we have thousands if not millions of studys to prove otherwise,and yes marijuana is highly addictive, the number of teens coming into treatment to treat their marijuana abuse is staggering.I swear if you people cause me to lose profits by not getting this federal bill passed i swear to god i will go and beat my wife to death.how dare you try and stop me from making money you pathedic worms.ughh i’m done now i’ma finsh my bottle of everclear and go drive down to the homeless selter and force all of them to summit urine for me and charge the tax payers and who ever has drugs in them will be forced back out on the streets

  • MtLawnFan

    Had a very hard time focusing on any comments after “..chocolate-covered bacon.” Can I get this from a street corner dealer or is this available only by prescription?

  • @Jared’s “We here at P.I.G. (Protection from Interstate Gustation) call this the “ate-way theory”.

    Brilliant, innovative and very clever. Thanks for an excellent laugh 🙂

  • […] noted that a recent incident had involved a truck driver crashing because of pork rinds. “Imagine if it had been […]