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April 2010
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Coroner's report: man killed by meteorite had marijuana in his system

Article in The Daily Tontería:

San Hoyo, California: A coroner’s report released yesterday by police confirmed the presence of marijuana compounds in the system of Jonah Ellis, a 23-year-old man who was killed last Thursday just outside the town limits when struck by a meteorite.

Police Chief Dirk Jackson refused to speculate whether this news would have an impact on the upcoming referendum on the legalization of marijuana in California this November, but noted that, “In the 10 years I’ve been in San Hoyo, 100% of meteorite fatalities have been marijuana-related, demonstrating a clear link. It’s certainly got to make you think.”

Calvina Califano, spokesperson for Citizens Resisting Against Pot, had harsher words to say about the referendum. “If legalization passes,” she said, “you can absolutely count on an increase in meteorite strikes. And we won’t be as lucky the next time. People will be smoking pot outside day-care centers, and when that meteorite strikes, the collateral damage will be measured in mothers sifting through the rubble for the mangled corpses of their infant children. Marijuana: harmless? Let those legalizers tell that to the grieving mothers.”

A representative of the Coalition to Legalize and Regulate Marijuana in California claimed that the meteorite strike was unrelated to marijuana use, but was unable to precisely explain why Jonah Ellis was hit.

Scientists note that meteorites are formed from the debris of asteroids, and that there are literally millions upon millions of asteroids. If marijuana is legalized, it could take many years to exhaust the supply, and some say the damage to society could be permanent.

</satire>

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23 comments to Coroner’s report: man killed by meteorite had marijuana in his system

  • Just me

    Hey , they could come up with any reason to oppose legalization. This would be funnier if that werent true.

  • Shawn

    April fools was yesterday…this IS a joke right?

  • Cannabis

    Wait a second, I just read a story like this in The Onion. It’s weird how much real life imitates that rag.

  • jrh

    Just me
    April 2nd, 2010 at 4:50 pm
    Hey , they could come up with any reason to oppose legalization. This would be funnier if that werent true.

    LOL did you miss the at the end of the post

  • maryjanesuncle

    now thats some funny stuff, kudos for making me laugh very hard. Will now purchase meteor repellent from local head shop..good on you

  • GUy#1

    God I loves satire. Is it the hip thing to do to lie on April 2nd now? We should start that.

    • Actually, this didn’t feel like an April Fool’s joke to me, so it didn’t seem right on April 1. The difference is that that this one isn’t real, but it’s true.

  • denmark

    Satire helps and lightens the load in degree. The fight to use and enjoy cannabis is taxing on the system. I swear, the end the war on drugs crowd are really the only intelligent life I can find on earth right now.

    What made me laugh Pete was:
    Calvina Califano, spokesperson for Citizens Resisting Against Pot (CRAP)

  • Just me

    jrh, no I didnt thats why I said this would be funnier…

  • Jean Pault Satire was a famous French existential philosopher…

  • Mike

    Citizens Resisting Against Pot? Now there’s an acronym.

  • ezrydn

    While we laugh at this (well appreciated humor), we’re probably going to see a whole lot more if it in the coming months and what’s coming is going to be crazier than what Pete wrote.

  • Abercrombie

    Dirk Jackson 🙂 … truly a Master Debater.

  • […] Coroner’s report: man killed by meteorite had marijuana in his system - Drug WarRant […]

  • Clark Culver

    Brilliant! The only thing funnier will be when I see some prohibitionist seriously referencing this article.

  • Finally, someone is listening. I’ve been warning people for years that marijuana is the gateway to meteorite strikes, and they all ignored me. Who’s laughing now?

    Some other important April 1st news: http://tonysquestforunderstanding.blogspot.com/2010/04/congress-amends-controlled-substance.html

  • Buc

    Every day is April Fool’s Day when I read the latest reason for why prohibition is a good idea.

  • claygooding

    Teher is another joke posting,but I think you will recognize this one.

  • Just me

    A little words of wisedom from a Chaplin on easter.I feel this is fitting for the WOD’s too.

    http://buelahman.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bueligion-happy-easter-you-murdering-sob/#comment-8293

  • swansong

    “Citizens Resisting Against Pot? Now there’s an acronym.”

    Believe it or not…but an acronym that stupid (although completely accurate) was chosen by the merging of 1 rightwing political party and factions of another here in Canada some years ago.

    When the Reform Party merged with factions of the Progressive Conservatives they chose the moniker Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance (Party) HA!

    It became clear to them…after they printed all the banners…that if one simply added “party” to the end of their name it spelled C CRAP. Apparently the name was a little too “on the nose” as it were…so they dumped it.

  • Smitho

    now thats some funny stuff, kudos for making me laugh very hard. Will now purchase meteor repellent from local head shop..good on you

    i like this one. been 15years and no death from above yet i will be getting some of that meteor repellent thaough.

    AND

    the reason why a high % of ppl that get hit with metorits is becouse of the HIGH number of ppl that smoke!!! ya you may not know they do but you can count on they do. Meteors need to be against the law that would be easyer than stoping me from smokeing o wait you didnt i did huh

  • In a related development, spokesperson Califano adamantly denied allegations that CRAP drug agents lured Mr. Ellis to the remote location outside San Hoyo, where he was stoned to death then made to appear as though he was hit by meteorites. No evidence of any extraterrestrial body were found in the autopsy; leading some to suspect foul play. The Coalition to Legalize wants to know and has called for an independent coroner’s inquest into exactly how Mr. Ellis meet his untimely end.

    to be continued…???