John Consoli wants to get rid of drugs in the workplace, one telephone handset at a time.
Consoli, 67, is the president of On Site, a Spring Hill, Fla., company marketing DrugWipe, a handheld narcotic detector.
Just swipe the DrugWipe against a keyboard or any other surface, Consoli said, and the toothbrush-sized detector can tell whether anyone who has touched the surface in the past 72 hours had drugs in his or her system.
What a wonderful, selfless guy. John Consoli just wants to get rid of drugs in the workplace. We know this because Helen Anne Travis of the St. Petersburg Times tells us this.
Of course, it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that Consoli owns a company that is trying to make money, could it?
A DrugWipe kit costs about $50 and can be used to check 10 to 15 surfaces. Testers must be trained and certified. Training takes a half-day and costs $500. Companies can also hire an On Site professional to test workplace surfaces; prices vary.
The good thing is that we know from reading Helen Anne Travis’ article that DrugWipe is 100% accurate. How do we know this? Because president Consoli tells us it’s true.
“It is 100-per-cent accurate,” Consoli said.
So since Helen Anne Travis is writing this article about this revolutionary change to how businesses deal with human resources, she probably talked to some businesses about this idea…
Pinning down a corporation that used DrugWipe was difficult. Since Consoli is just starting out, he hasn’t actually had any clients.
Well then, perhaps Travis shouldn’t let Consoli get to third base on the first date.
But let’s go back to this notion of certified testers wandering around companies swabbing telephones to collect glandular secretions of past activities.
Hmmm. Perhaps gloves will come back into fashion again.
But… What happened to management? I mean, real, honest-to-goodness management techniques? The kind that values good work? Companies used to hire managers who had the amazing ability to actually observe the work of their employees and discover whether they were doing a good job through that observation, and from looking at the quality of the work produced.
I know it’s hard to believe, but it actually worked for a very long time. Perhaps even better than today’s modern management techniques of ouija boards, studying employee urine, bundling failed mortgages, and collecting gland secretions with a swab.