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The Onion skewers NIDA

Oh, this is just fun.

Anti-MDMA Campaign Warns Teens About Dangers Of Feeling More Connected To Others

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others. “Too many of our nation’s children don’t realize that even a single dose of MDMA—or Molly, as it’s known—has the devastating potential to make users feel like they’re part of one big human family, connected to all those around them by a single cosmic thread,” said NIDA spokesperson June Kessler, who noted that 13- to 18-year-olds were especially at risk of succumbing to a profound warmth and admiration toward their peers that knows no bounds.

“Teens need to know this isn’t just a benign party drug; it comes with serious consequences, and it can and will cause users to see the world from the eyes of the people standing next to them and, within minutes, realize they love them that much more for it. The only way to avoid these disastrous side effects is to stay away from Molly altogether.” Kessler added that if a sudden rush of empathy wasn’t scary enough, MDMA has also been known to cause things to look, taste, and feel exponentially better.

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13 comments to The Onion skewers NIDA

  • Tony Aroma

    Wouldn’t it be great if prohibition came to an end with someone from the DEA or DOJ being charged with a crime for interfering with state-legal marijuana laws? Not that it would actually come to that. But you know the tables have turned when the DEA are actually being held accountable for violating the law.

    Congressmen Ask DOJ Inspector General to Investigate Continued Harassment of Medical Marijuana Patients and Providers

    “Cases such as the Kettle Falls Five case in Washington, asset forfeiture actions against dispensaries in the San Francisco Bay area, or the Lynch case now pending in the Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, are all instances of DOJ expending dollars it does not have the legal authority to spend,” Rohrabacher and Farr write. “Consequently, we believe there is sufficient cause for your office to investigate potential violations of the Anti-Deficiency Act by the Department with regard to its prosecution and other enforcement actions against persons and businesses conducting legitimate medical marijuana activities under state law.”

  • DdC

    She looks like Nurse Ratched…

  • Servetus

    Drugs like Molly really do threaten the military industrial complex. All that touchie-feely stuff leads to an instant addiction to harmony and brotherhood. Imagine the loss in military contracts if the world is seized by a wave of Molly abuse. Love addicts running wild. Happiness run amok.

    Even worse, MDMA is known to be a gateway drug to thinking. We know how governments feel about people who think. Nothing irritates a bureaucrat more than the correct answer to something. What’s worse, truth often finds ways of eliminating bureaucrats.

    Given the international threat level of these types of chemicals, I think we’ll be hearing about empathogens from now until peace breaks out.

  • […] The Onion skewers NIDA The only way to avoid these disastrous side effects is to stay away from Molly altogether. … Wouldn't it be great if prohibition came to an end with someone from the DEA or DOJ being charged with a crime for interfering with state-legal marijuana … Read more on Drug WarRant […]

  • Nobody

    The drug alcohol also encourages bonding and brotherhood.
    Its excessive use usually leads to two men having a good ole fist fight. Good ole innocent, violent fun! Bonding over violence. All that fighting is worth it. They are friends the next day – I promise!

    Alcohol builds character, makes you a competitive, STRONG person.

    No wonder it is legal.

    • darkcycle

      Sigh…Thanks for trolling, but you’re just not a Mr. Wiggles level troll. Just make me miss the Wiggler.

  • claygooding

    I wonder if NIDA fears a possible warm connection between human beings as much as they fear euphoria without a hangover?

    Shrooms also give a person a “connected” feeling but my few experiences with them it was more a connection with nature than people.

  • Duncan20903

    .
    .

    Have you ever wondered what it was like to be a drinking alcohol law reform advocate in 1932? Well neither have I, but maybe we’re going to find out anyway.

    2016: The Marijuana Election article

    Newsweek Special Edition cover jpg
    8/1/2015

    In the past few years, the U.S. has been steadily growing support for marijuana reform. From the presidential candidates to the general public, this progressive attitude has become a hot topic for debate, and as an election year approaches, everyone—from governors to legislators to those who would be president—seems to have an opinion on the issue.
    /snip/

  • Mr_Alex

    Did some digging on Parents Opposed to Pot, the person that runs it, her name is Julie Schauer and is friends with Kevin Sabet, David Frum, Christian Thurstone and etc. She has no problems with children or cannabis users being tortured at rehab

  • Deep Dish

    I have Asperger syndrome and a few experiences with MDMA have helped me experience what social life would be like if I were psychologically normal. I haven’t done it in many years but you try to take those lessons learned and strive to achieve it while sober. One thing, though, is that it always took two pills to feel the effects, which has led me to believe I probably have a serotonin deficiency. I once tried taking 5-HTP to boost serotonin, which really worked wonders except that it quickly stopped working after two months.