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October 2009
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Doesn’t pass the Martian Test

Arthur Salm at San Diego News Network has the creative juices flowing

All of the complications, headaches and frustration we’re grappling with right now spring from nearly a century of American society’s ground-level, fundamental bungling . Cannabis was demonized for a goulash of reasons we won’t rehash here, but not one of them passes the Martian test: Could you explain this to a Martian and not sound like an idiot?

That’s a good test. And no, there’s no way that you could truthfully explain marijuana prohibition to a Martian without sounding like an idiot.

Salm’s closing is poetry. Evocative, powerful, and absurdly beautiful…

Somewhere, another dog has bitten another man. The sun has risen so far in the east that it’s now practically in the west. And, so long as men shoot elephants from helicopters, and have their hearts broken by women and vice versa and any combination therein, and loved ones and pets die, and the rent is due, and life is just too damn complex and weird, folks are just naturally going to want to get high.

Sometimes they do it just for the merry hell of it. And when we don’t want to face this hard fact, when we delude ourselves into thinking there’s something inherently evil about it, we end up spending time and money appointing task forces to look into the matter.

Legalize it. Regulate it. Tax it. And while you’re at it, stop shooting elephants from helicopters.

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10 comments to Doesn’t pass the Martian Test

  • R.O.E.

    I can think of one elephant that needs shot dead.

  • why shoot the elephants? just put a mouse in front of them and they will get on their hind legs and screech…. its true!! i seen it on TV

  • Jon Doe

    Well, they don’t really screech, but yeah, it seems that elephants do indeed go out of their way to avoid tiny creatures which cross their path:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXiMs65ZAeU

    Now all we need to do is flood the halls of congress with rodents and scare away all the Republicans…

  • claygooding

    Explaining why people get “high” is like trying to explain why people masturbate,it feels good,just about covers it.
    Outlawing drugs is about as successful as outlawing masturbation. And there are only 2 kinds of liars in the world,the man or woman that say they have never masturbated,and the ones that say they will never do it again.

  • bill

    That’s a marvelous piece of writing, Pete. Thanks for sharing.

  • Nhop

    “Now all we need to do is flood the halls of congress with rodents and scare away all the Republicans…”

    Democrats, too, No?

  • Jon Doe

    Nhop: well, it’s my hope that if the Republicans are gone, the Libertarians will be able to take their place. Then, maybe, the Dems will grow some balls and become actual progressives.

  • DdC

    My favorite Martian test…

    Hemp Legal in Oregon, Held Up By U.S. Law
    Industrial hemp is legal in Oregon but growers say they can’t get on with their business until the federal government change its policies.

    Aunuld Corporatism.jpg
    Keeping Hemp Products Out of The Market

    Ganja/Hemp
    Too many natural alternatives to the Fossil Fools

    Eradicated Marijuana Is 98 Percent Ditchweed
    This is why Hemp is illegal, statistics…

    Wall street’s Spontaneous Abortionists

    Ok so let me get this straight? A safer alternative to OPEC crude oil clothing and the 90 million pounds of poisons used on US cotton is outlawed because cops think Ganja growers will hide their $400.00 an ounce kynd bud in the hemp field? Pollinating it into zero dollar burlap? That isn’t even logical let alone a working theory. Cops need the wild hemp as numbers to show the world how well they are doing winning the drug war, on canvas. Klintoon went from thousands of plants eradicated to millions, All as bogus as the war itself. Op Rescue hyocrites in the bible belt aborting more than RvW. Corporatism keeping a Free Trade Market handcuffed by Fascism. Pitifuckingfools!

  • If martians were Christians and/or Muslims (or had their own asinine martian religion) then you wouldn’t have to explain drug prohibition to them. You could just say “it’s what god wants” and if the martians are anything like us, they’d feel compelled to understand, out of universal respect for religious belief.

    It’s like how we Americans feel compelled to understand and respect Muslims who force women to cover every inch of their skin in beekeeper suits. If it were a secular action it would be banned and likely a serious felony, no matter what the reasoning behind it (i.e. to prevent communicable disease – bullshit but at least semi-plausible on its face), but because it’s based on religion (and thus has no reasoning behind it whatsoever) we permit, respect, understand, and even smile at it – “what a wonderfully diverse and culturally beautiful expression of faith!” we spew. As long as someone else’s religion doesn’t mean they get more sexual partners than we do (no polygamy, though less sex is perfectly fine), they can do whatever the hell they want no matter how weird and illogical and irrational and cruel and useless and inconvenient and unfair.

    So I don’t think the Martian test is a very good test, unless we’re presuming that Martians are atheists.

  • aussidawg

    JohnDoe, about your suggestion “Now all we need to do is flood the halls of congress with rodents and scare away all the Republicans…”

    I hate to break this to you, but CONgress is already flooded with rodents…*rats.*

    Great site with great people!!! Keep it comimg!!!