Another drug epidemic. Think of the children!

From the wonderful folks at The Onion…

Nation’s Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation’s mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today.

The totally contrived drug that in no way exists in any objective reality and is only real in the minds of mothers is known by its street name, “scramp,” and according to moms who previously did not have enough actual things to worry about, a batch can be made from everyday household supplies such as sugar, window cleaner, and petroleum jelly.

Wait ’til they hear about Dihydrogen Monoxide.

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17 Responses to Another drug epidemic. Think of the children!

  1. Cy Klebs says:

    Harbor freight tools wants prospective applicants to show fealty to reefer madness canards in a multiple choice survey. For example: Q, Marijauna use during off hours is a problem; Agree a,b,c,d,e, disagree a,b,c,d,e, In other words be prepared to lie. There were multiple instances of these questions designed to manufacture fealty to prohib talking points. I am told that I should of given the answer they expect. Just put this on your radar if seeking employment. And I’m just glad that its DiHydrogen Monoxide not Coca Cola and asprin.

  2. Francis says:

    Look, I know we’ve got some “hippies” that hang out here on the couch, and I know what some of you are thinking: “hey man, I smoked a little imaginary scramp back in the 60’s and it didn’t hurt me.” Yeah, well you were one of the lucky ones. And guess what, kids today have stronger imaginations than they used to. And that means that today’s imaginary scramp is literally stronger than you can imagine. Something for you to think about at your next “scramp is totally groovy” rally.

    • kaptinemo says:

      (Raucous laughter) Oh, jeez, Francis, you made me remember the BS about banana peels, a.k.a. ‘Mellow Yellow’.

      It was a another reverse sting, a la Cheech and Chong making DrugWarriors think that was what all cannabists were like when it was (so obviously) a parody of the intelligence of DrugWarriors for being so gullible. I distinctly recall, ca 1970 in junior high school, an anti-drug poster mentioning banana peels. Everybody in school knew it was BS…everyone but the DrugWarriors who got ‘took’ for fools for printing that garbage. The epitome of those you’d find in Bill Cosby’s “Special Class”.

      And we pay their salaries. I want my money back…

      • Francis says:

        Ha, thanks, I’d never heard of bananadine. I just hope some kid doesn’t get the crazy idea to mix bananadine with scramp. God only knows what that would do.

      • Duncan20903 says:


        Oh please. I smoked banana peels when I was a school boy. I’ve seen the devastation, destruction, and broken necks caused by banana peels. Here’s a guy who thought smoking banana peels was cool in high school. It made him think he was Superman and got him hooked on equasy, with predictable results.

    • Duncan20903 says:


      Smoking is not required to gain the imaginary benefits of scramp, whether for hypochondrical need or just for imaginary enjoyment. Any potential health hazards due to smoking are not the hazards of scramp, but of smoking.
      Why yes, I would turn to the Onion Dating service were I not married and seeking to establish a serious romance.

  3. Benjamin says:

    The Onion has had some excellent Drug War material lately. Bravo.

  4. Francis says:

    Be forewarned, today’s scramp activists are well-funded and extremely savvy. One of their favorite tactics is promote the benefits of so-called “industrial scremp.” Now they’re gonna tell you that scremp is non-psychoactive (debatable) and can be used to make imaginary foods, imaginary plastics, imaginary paper, and a variety of other imaginary products (true, to a point). They’ll even claim that it can be turned into imaginary fuel to power imaginary cars (I’ve never seen it). The way they tell it, scremp is the answer to all of society’s imaginary ills. Don’t be fooled. Industrial scremp is the proverbial (i.e., imaginary) camel’s nose under the tent. Their true agenda is full-blown legalization of scramp, and they will not be satisfied until there’s an imaginary vending machine selling scramp in every elementary school in America.

    And don’t even get me started on the “medical scramp” con. Seriously, can you name another medicine that’s been proven effective whose delivery mechanism is imaginary? … Ok, other than the placebo?

  5. darkcycle says:

    Oh, and Pete, that DHMO facts link is totally priceless. Thanks you guys, I needed a little levity…

  6. Jeff Trigg says:

    No whiff of drugs at 2 Elgin schools

    Evidently, they haven’t trained them to alert on scramp yet. Drug dogs doing random searches at middle schools in Illinois now? I see they didn’t sniff the teachers lounge or admin office, according to the Tribune article.

    Watch out parents, if a drug dog “alerts” on your kid but no drugs are found, they will come after you next.

  7. Francis says:

    Here’s another fact about scramp that I’m guessing won’t fit your narrative: scramp is BY FAR the most common imaginary drug not found in the systems of drivers responsible for fatal car accidents. (Because scramp does not exist in any objective reality, not finding any trace of scramp in the body is consistent with very recent and extremely heavy use.) In fact, a recent comprehensive (and imaginary) study that looked at scramp use and driving concluded that scramp was not found (and thus almost certainly played a role) in 100% of motor vehicle fatalities.

    Still think scramp is “harmless”?

  8. claygooding says:

    Arrested Development: The Criminalization of America’s Schoolchildren–The-Criminalization-of-America%E2%80%99s-Schoolchildren?instance=special_coverage_bullets_right_column

    Once looked to as the starting place for imparting principles of freedom and democracy to future generations, America’s classrooms are becoming little more than breeding grounds for compliant citizens of the police state. In fact, as director Cevin Soling documents in his insightful, award-winning documentary The War on Kids, which recently aired on the Documentary Channel, the moment young people walk into school, they increasingly find themselves under constant surveillance: they are photographed, fingerprinted, scanned, x-rayed, sniffed and snooped on. Between metal detectors at the entrances, drug-sniffing dogs in the hallways and surveillance cameras in the classrooms and elsewhere, many of America’s schools look more like prisons than learning facilities.

    More collateral damage from our governments effort to control us.

  9. Memenesso Dewit says:

    When the Banasrcamp banawagons hit the street hit the street, we’ll laugh them off the road in gag order.
    Onion Busters Local 23

  10. Chris says:

    Lots of made up drugs in this famous Brass Eye spoof. A question about “cake” was actually raised in the House of Commons (UK parliament). Sound quality improves after first street sequence.

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