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April 2011
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Our regular feature: ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’

This one is from Medaille College in Buffalo, New York, where Chris Ripley, Photo Editor has an OpEd titled Legalization would be a detriment to our society: Should New York state dance with ‘Mary Jane?’

Cute subhead, Chris. I don’t think the media’s ever thought of using ‘Mary Jane’ that way, before.

Compelling writing usually begins in the first sentence, and this one doesn’t disappoint:

As I was thinking about what to write for this article, I only knew what was bad about this drug and that it is not good for you. When I was growing up my parents always told me: ‘do not do drugs and never talk to strangers,’ and to this day I really don’t do either.

But wait…. I’m a stranger…

My mother told me stories about people she knew that did drugs and that their lives were severely effected by the use of them. Drugs harm your body as well as makes you do things that you are not suppose to do. I always believed this because my mother is a very convincing person and what she said was the law when I was younger. So basically fear is what makes me not do drugs.

I checked — Medaille College does have an English major with actual faculty. I assume at some point, they discuss things like grammar. Apparently young Chris hasn’t experienced that yet. He has experienced fear, however, from his mother. Apparently, however, the rest of the student body had different mothers.

As I entered college, things like sex, drugs, and alcohol became very easy to come by and take part in.

And now we have learned a rather disturbing fact about the lack of discrimination on the part of the Medaille women.

I know people that smoke marijuana and I have seen people smoke it, but what I do not understand is the reasoning behind why they want to do it.

Me being a person that questions a lot about life [with the apparent exception of what his mother tells him], I asked people what it was like and why they do it. The answers I get are all the same. They say, “It makes me feel good, and it helps me relax,’ or ‘It helps me calm down and take me away from here.’

Well that sounds like a vacation to me, and a very dirty vacation. If I wanted to go somewhere that was relaxing and calms me down, I wouldn’t choose marijuana.

Ah, but you can’t go to the Bahamas every Friday night. In fact, in Buffalo, New York in the winter, there aren’t too many places to go to relax and calm down. Plus, marijuana is cheaper than taking a trip.

He goes on to talk about the tar in smoke, and then notes:

I have many allergies and have asthma, I feel like smoking would just cause me more of problem then that great feeling that you get if you were to take a hit. Or maybe it is just the fear of something bad happening to me that I cannot control.

Well, then, Chris. It seems very clear that you should not smoke marijuana. You aren’t interested in it, you don’t like smoke, and you’re afraid of your mother.

Some other people, however, are interested in it, don’t mind smoke, and aren’t afraid of your mother.

So back to the point of why I am telling you my opinion on smoking marijuana. Well, America is at a point that people are fighting for the legalization of marijuana. If you haven’t figured out by now, I think it is a very foolhardy idea to legalize marijuana.

You may think that, but you haven’t given a single reason why. And you haven’t begun to touch on the costs of prohibition or any actual benefits from keeping it illegal.

We as a nation cannot handle this drug,

No, you as an individual can’t handle this drug.

… and it would be very detrimental to us as a nation.

Why? For what reasons?

If you really want to have a good time, keep it off the streets and don’t smoke marijuana.

I’m not sure I want to take Chris’ suggestions for calming vacations if his idea of a good time is “keeping it off the streets.”

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29 comments to Our regular feature: ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’

  • Matthew Meyer

    Pete: in this dark, dreary world, I thank you for a Sunday morning laugh.

  • darkcycle

    I just finished cleaning the coffee out of this keyboard…is it working? test? test?

  • damaged justice

    …COLLEGE?!?!

    This reads like a first-grader’s “My First Little Pony” essay, and that’s being charitable.

  • Servetus

    Chris is an authoritarian follower, has no worldly experience, and has never read a book without lots of pictures in it. Luckily however, all these qualifications make Chris a perfect ONDCP staffer.

    • Cannabis

      Your last line was exactly what I was thinking. Chris Ripley is no Kevin Sabet, but he would follow him around like a puppy dog and make a good living doing so. Scary.

  • It’s rather obvious why he is the PHOTO editor…

  • Jake

    Did anyone else actually hear a child’s voice in their heads when they read that?

    • gravyrug

      Oh, definitely a child’s voice. A very young child. who’s afraid of his mother.

    • Maria

      Jesus H. Christ. Yes…

      A tinkling, cute if slightly obnoxious, kid voice was ringing in my ears. Hell, I actually pictured a little boy standing at the front of his class. His knees knock together nervously. His sweaty palms smudge the hard scratched pencil marks off his wrinkled sheet of paper. Occasionally he chews his lower lip. He’s gotta be brave. He takes a breath, puffs out his chest, it’s his big day! He gets to share his first essay! He worked on it ALL summer.

      His teacher is behind her desk, beaming at him with those heavily lidded, glazed eyes of hers. She always looks so sleepy, but she’s the bestest at making math FUN! And boy oh boy, Mommy will be so proud when he comes home with that gold star!

      And thus, breathless with excitement, little Chris Ripley begins to read from his essay, “Drugs Are Bad, M’kay?”

      How the hell do you find these things Pete? The only way I can get through these segments is the slim delusional hope that we are being routinely punked. That, and a shot of vodka before I start reading. That really helps.

      Also, as a side note, this man child must be a really lonely adult if he doesn’t talk to strangers. I feel a little bit of pity for him, I really do.

      • Jake

        Maria… hahaha that image.. brilliant! I think the mild background rage on my part prevented my brain from simulating mental images of this man child :-p. Why do you feel sorry for him? He still lives in the spare bedroom at his mummies’ house.. she does his washing and makes him food… sounds like a lovely, warm, fantasy land that he’s managed to carry on living in… not down here in the harsh real world with the rest of us, where people get killed over the production of the ‘bad thing’.. come to think of it, I think I could do with a “vacation”… anyone want to fund me a trip to the Bahamas? Please?

  • Swooper420

    Hey, there’s a comments section for the kid’s OpEd. Maybe some of you could go comment… I did….

  • Peter

    also by Chris Ripley: article in support of DADT, same little boy voice:
    ” I understand the push for sexual equality but some people just aren’t ready. And honestly I am not there yet. I may get a lot of ridicule from this article but honestly I am always a little hesitant on what I say to people because their sexuality. “


  • DdC

    Hemp could replace many of the toxins making kids sick, if it wasn’t lumped in as a schedule#1 narcotic. Ganja is the only substance known to stop a full blown Asthma attack. So much for that theory kid. Ganja would be less harmful than giving kids speed for ADHD. The dangers with cannabis revolve solely around prohibition. Kids were given Ganja extracts routinely for coughs. Now with the cancer fighting properties it could prove to be another miracle plant. Letting kids BS kids is a cowardly way to spread lies. Shame on this paper for giving such a fool space to print hogwash. Now you have a rep as a narko snitch kid, lots of luck getting through the simester. Tell the Truth, that’s the antidrug. 8)

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  • vicky vampire

    Life is a risk everyday,just be thankful you made it threw to see one day in this crazy wonderful place. Frak Life itself is a hypnotic drug.

  • “Chris is an authoritarian follower”

    I agree, and suspect he is a frat boy, and that the essay may even be an example of ‘hazing’

  • Leonard Junior

    Is it possible that this was written farcically?

    • Duncan20903

      .
      .
      To me, one of the very saddest things about the war on (some) drugs is that you can’t effectively use sarcasm and parody as part of the campaign against it. No matter what you do with it no one is ever sure if you’re kidding or not, short of a disclaimer. Any extreme used to make fun of it can be found as part of the Know Nothings’ dogma of hysterical rhetoric. This just goes to show how ridiculous those people are.

      God I love that word dogma. If it’s not my favorite it’s definitely in the top 5.

  • Duncan20903

    .
    .
    Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.

    I do find it amusing when people pan the Dutch saying that their people are different. But that’s just because the Dutch are so much smarter and disciplined than we low IQ unable to control ourselves Americans.

  • denmark

    Perhaps it is a joke as some suggest, a sad fraking joke. In my opinion there is absolutely no room for joking about the sad state of affairs the war on drugs has caused.

    Let’s send the guy to Nuevo Laredo for a two week relaxing vacation. Let’s see, it’s only up to 6,000 killed now in Mexico. Death war ………….

  • warren

    Blind faith. Got rid of it. Hated the gestapo feds since.

  • James

    I am just floored by this. Where do these people come from? The fact that this person is a college student makes me want to wail to the sky. Freshman comp, take it, learn it, love it!

    • Duncan20903

      C’mon, would you really have us believe that there were no hall monitors where you went to school?

  • Shaleen

    This was the most hilarious edition of this series yet. I choose to ignore all the darker thoughts about people like this eventually graduating and being given responsibility, because sometimes a good laugh can do great things for your motivation and productivity. Thanks very much Pete.

  • pyramid

    Seriously? This reads like it was written by a child or someone with a child’s mind.

    My mommy said that drugs were bad and why would mommy lie to me?

  • Steve in Clearwater FL

    “MY mother told ME stories about a monster that lived inside my closet who waited every night for the sound of a little boy staying awake too long so he could jump out and EAT ME.

    Since she was a Very Convincing Person, to this day I only sleep in bedrooms that do not have closets.

  • Mary Lee

    You all need to get a life away from pot.