In 1998, countries around the world joined the United Nations International Drug Control Programme in their pledge that the world would be drug free by 2008.
Since this date is approaching so fast, I decided to have a conversation with drugs about the imminent end of drugs on earth. I talked with spokesperson Mary Jane.
Drug WarRant: So how does it feel knowing your days are numbered here?
Mary Jane: It’s a strange feeling. We never really thought the day would come, but if nobody wants you, there’s no point in sticking around. The first real hit we took was in 1986 when America gave us 9 years to get out so they could be drug free by 1995. We were scrambling, but managed to get out in time. We’ve been a little better prepared for this one, having done it before, but this move poses additional challenges. Leaving an entire world? Not easy.
Drug WarRant: Where will you go?
Mary Jane: We’re thinking about Saturn. I hear the rings are really pretty. Caffeine was pushing for mercury, but we felt that was a bit extreme.
Drug WarRant: Caffeine is going, too?
Mary Jane: Of course. Caffeine, aspirin, adrenaline, viagra, penicillin… the whole family.
Drug WarRant: But…
Mary Jane: Wait… Oh, no you don’t…. You’re kidding, right? Doesn’t anybody know the definition of the word “drugs”? [yells] HEY Poppy! Stop packing. We got us another communication problem. [walks away, muttering] Stupid humans… “we want you, we don’t want you, we want you, we don’t want you”
Drug free. What a monumentally stupid idea.
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