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January 2012
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Meet my special hamster.

I have a new helper in the fight against the smuggling of endangered species. It’s a hamster named Sergeant Cheeks. He is able to detect the presence of endangered species or protected elements of endangered species (feathers, tusks, etc.) in someone’s personal possession.

Sergeant Cheeks has gone through specialized training and even has a certificate of proof of training.

The way this works is that I hold Sergeant Cheeks up to someone I think might be holding and if he detects contraband in their pants, for example, he gives me a special signal by wiggling his body a particular way. This way I know that I have probable cause to require the subject to remove their pants so I can search for an endangered animal.

Now you may think that this is an invasion of privacy, but all that Sergeant Cheeks detects is the presence of an endangered species, which a person does not have a reasonable expectation of privacy in possessing in the first place.

Yes, there have been complaints from the woman whose bra I searched and found nothing. But that doesn’t mean that Sergeant Cheeks was wrong; merely that whatever had been there (an endangered feather, perhaps) had been removed and he was detecting that residue.

For those who charge that those I search are mostly good looking and female, all I can say is that Sergeant Cheeks is the one making the decisions, not me. Are you accusing the hamster of being sexist?

I’m not worried. I’m sure the Supreme Court will back me up.

Sergeant Cheeks and I will be on the street, searching peoples’ clothes and keeping the world bio-diverse.

Is that an endangered monkey in your pants?

[Note to random visitors: If this post confuses you, read the previous one for context.]

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10 comments to Meet my special hamster.

  • ObviousFirstComment

    Pete, may I borrow your Hamster?

  • darkcycle

    No. The monkey in MY pants is a common monkey, nothing endangered about him. Please move along.

  • Bruce

    The new SmartMeters can help you interact with your Hamster more efficiently. Proof the Ratcheted-Up Gains and Spin-Offs worth every penny of the Billion Bucks.

  • Duncan20903

    .
    .
    Bad news Pete, everyone already knows that hamsters are hippies at heart. There goes your probable cause due to the fact that your hamster is just finding himself.

    Here, try a squirrel. Plenty of those around. You can believe me because I’ve got them coming out of my ears. I can assure you they know how to wiggle in many ways.

    • darkcycle

      …where did you find THAT?

      • Duncan20903

        .
        .
        On the Internet, duh. I searched Google Images for +hamster “endangered species”.

        If you found the initial post a little discontinuous it’s because I wanted to link to a notice that hamsters are an endangered species and Pete’s special hamster was just finding himself. But the hamster race is doing just fine thank you very much.

  • Dante

    Can I borrow Sargeant Cheeks?

    I need to inspect some ladies’ undergarments for …. stuff.

    For their safety, you understand.

    • Duncan20903

      .
      .
      I’m glad that Pete had the sense to choose to name a hamster “Sergeant Cheeks” instead of a gerbil. Have you ever seen a gerbil syringe? Well neither have I and I never, ever want to see one.